From Summer Haze to School Days: Thriving with Self-Regulation
The back-to-school season can bring a mix of excitement and apprehension for kids, parents and caregivers. As the summer winds down, the familiar leisurely rhythms of vacation life begin to shift, and the pressures of schedules, homework, and extracurricular activities loom large. Summertime often brings a fair amount of confusion and upheaval due to kids being out of school, traveling, and coping with the relentlessly hot weather. So for some parents, the signaling of back-to-school means a much needed return to structure and schedules, but oftentimes that also means busyness and a scramble to restabilize. Amidst the hustle and bustle, it’s essential to remember that the ability to manage stress – both as parents and as children – is a crucial skill for navigating this change.
This is where self-regulation can be beneficial as a way to help counteract this sense of stress (and maybe even anxiety). Self-regulation is the practice of being able to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to have more positive reactions and responses. While the terminology may be new, the concept is often something you may practice naturally. Though you cannot change your external circumstances, self-regulation can assist with influencing them. You might already be self-regulating without realizing it. Just think of any stressful situation you have managed without losing your temper; that is self-regulation in action. The goal is to take that concept and apply it regularly and on purpose.
Parents/ caregivers who practice self-regulation with their emotions model this behavior for their children. Research shows that children who practice self-regulation exhibit:
Emotional Intelligence: Children with parents/caregivers who exhibit high levels of self-regulation tend to have better emotional intelligence, including the ability to identify, understand, and manage their emotions.
Behavioral Regulation: Effective parental self-regulation is linked to improved behavior in children, such as reduced aggression, impulsivity, and tantrums.
Academic Success: Children with strong self-regulation skills are more likely to succeed in school, as these skills are essential for focus, attention, and problem-solving.
Resilience: Children who learn to regulate their emotions from their parents are better equipped to handle life's challenges and build resilience. {Source: Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices: This NCBI book chapter provides an overview of research on parenting and child development: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK402020/}
It’s true that in the throws of hectic schedules and “hustle and bustle”, you may find yourself getting frustrated or angry and yelling at traffic, your kids, or whoever is closest. In these moments, you are likely just trying to get through the day and maybe aren’t being the best version of yourself. Self-regulation practices not only bring calmness to these scenarios, but they also teach your children how to do this for themselves. These practices are meant to be utilized at any time so that they can become habits to be used when an occasion arises.
It’s true that in the throes of hectic schedules and “hustle and bustle”, you may find yourself getting frustrated or angry and yelling at traffic, your kids, or whoever is closest. In these moments, you are likely just trying to get through the day and maybe aren’t being the best version of yourself. Self-regulation practices not only bring calmness to these scenarios, but they also teach your children how to do this for themselves. These practices are meant to be utilized at any time so that they can become habits to be used when an occasion arises.
Here are some ways to practice self-regulation for yourself and model it for your children:
Practice awareness - Being an adult usually means doing things you have to do regardless of how you feel about it. This means that you will push past fatigue, hunger, illness etc. for the sake of “getting things done.” But because you are human, there are only so many times you can do this before your body begins to shut down. By practicing awareness and being attuned to your needs, you have the opportunity to identify and address them before getting to the point of exhaustion, constant irritability, and neglect of self.
Feel/ acknowledge the feeling - So, something happened and you feel some type of way about it. And that’s okay. Often because you are so busy and on the move, you may ignore or suppress your feelings about things that happen to you until they build up, and you explode or overreact. To help with identifying feelings it may be beneficial to use a feelings wheel {https://feelingswheel.com/} which helps with being able to identify what mix of emotions you may be experiencing. The more adept you are at knowing your feelings, the more you can identify them and address them in real-time as opposed to taking them out on someone else.
Get to the why - What you feel is important and so is why you feel it. Are you really just angry that your child forgot an important assignment, or is it because you also had to deal with a passive aggressive email at work that day? This goes hand-in-hand with awareness and acknowledging feelings. If you are able to determine exactly what is bothering you, then you are better able to address that issue or deal with those emotions, separately.
Take a pause/ beat / time out - Time out isn’t just for kids. A lot of the time you could probably use a moment to gather yourself and de-escalate a situation that may be getting too tense. In these moments of awareness, the best thing to do may be to walk away or pause a conversation and come back to that discussion later. This pause can be stated, “I need a moment to think”, “Let me think about that.” Sometimes it is signaled with a hand gesture (“T”) for a time out. If you state intent to return to a discussion later, try to agree to those terms as much as possible. However you signal it, just remember that it is far better to take a moment away, than to react and say something regrettable.
Breathe - People say this all the time, but never talk about how or why breathing is important and effective. When you become distressed, your breath becomes shallow and your heart rate speeds up (think “fight or flight”) and it is in these moments that you must act to consciously reverse this process. Breathing slowly and deeply sends signals to your brain and body that you are safe and not in danger or under threat. It stops the process of reacting, and allows you to be aware and in control. A good practice is the “4-2-6” method: inhale for 4 counts, pause for 2 counts, and exhale for 6 counts. This is a great method to practice demonstrating with your child(ren) as well.
Take a moment to shift - Consider this, when you are going from “work mode” to “home mode” and vice-versa, how do you do this? What signals do you give yourself and your family that you are still working or done for the day? Even in the peak era of work-from-home it became imperative for people to identify how to make this shift and have some (if only a little) separation. If you have a commute (or if you have to do child pick-up/ drop-off) try giving yourself 3-5 minutes to shift your mindset and attention. Set a timer and sit doing nothing, just breathe. Imagine yourself closing one part of your day and starting another. You might be surprised how much this can help.
Take accountability and ownership - If you find yourself reacting and responding from emotion or unrelated circumstances, the best thing you can do is be accountable to those you’ve hurt, and apologize. For some parents, this may be a radical concept, but think about how many times you may have wished your own parents took ownership of their issues and apologized if they took it out on you. You may not be perfect in this process of becoming more regulated, but when you stumble, you can show yourself grace in those moments and acknowledge the mistake.
Share this with your spouse/ partner/ co-parent/ community/ support system/ village - Take this information and share it with those who are around you that help provide care and shape the lives of your child(ren). Talk with your support system about the methods and which ones resonate with you. Share with other parents/caregivers and have a discussion about them. Demonstrate the self-regulation practices with and for your child, and allow them to see this shift, after all that is what modeling is all about!
As the school year approaches, allow this information to help you embrace the excitement and navigate the stress. By prioritizing self-regulation, you'll not only feel calmer, but also model valuable life skills for your children. This journey starts with you, so set the pace – empower yourself to be the best parent (and person) you can be. Remember, self-regulation is a practice, not perfection. Embrace the stumbles, celebrate the progress, and reach out to your support system or community if needed. Always know that you are not alone in this journey.
**If you want to learn more about self-regulation and ways to integrate it, or if you could just use the support of a non-judgmental and compassionate therapist, let’s talk! I can be reached at mindfullivingcounselingllc@gmail.com or 706-920-2256. Best wishes for a great (and calm) school year!
Anastacia Webb
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Mindful Living Counseling, LLC
mindfullivingcounselingllc@gmail.com
Facebook and Instagram: @MindfulLivingCounselingLLC
706-920-2256